Dead Heroes of the Apocalypse

E.A.R.L. Audio Log 2012.01-21

subject name: One; recording:

“Metal box? Hey, metal box? … Hey black man, why isn’t the metal box talking back anymore?

I don’t know. Stop talking to me. Tell it another story.

Oh, you think it might be lonely now that we’re so far away from the rest of the metal box. Maybe you’re right, my mom used to tell me stories when I was sad.

Fascinating. I don’t care.

Well, we found a land turtle hiding in a pile of loot smaller than the land turtle itself, only to find out that the pile of loot was part of the land turtle, which made sense in a terrible sort of way. It was a powerful beast, and when I hit it with my spear nothing happened! So after it lunged at me, biting my arm, I climbed onto it’s back and tried to hurt it with the door opening sticks, which the black man said weren’t actually door opening sticks, but I proved him wrong after killing the turtle by opening a door with them. Showed him.

God, I hate you so much.

Anyway, after cutting off the land turtle’s beak to make into a new shield later on, we went out the door I opened with the opening sticks and found a clan of wastelanders smoking around some old cars. I went to see what I could find in the big car with the guns on the back, but I guess the black man and the green man decided to attack the wastelanders instead. I understand that, my new friends seem to have no idea what life is like out here. I feel bad for them. They aren’t as smart as I thought they were, they didn’t even know how to open the door, and they definitely won’t be able to hunt with those blast sticks they threw at the wastelanders… sad really to see people so out of touch with reality.

I swear, there has never been somebody I’ve hated more than you.

What was that, black man? … oh well, must not have been important, since green man is talking to him now. I think they’re best friends. Oh, we also met the mean stinging metal box again, only this time he looked like a chicken with those backwards legs he had. He attacked me though, so I had to cut his legs off. Don’t worry, metal box, I am not a monster. We didn’t eat your brother.

For gods sake, shut up! E.A.R.L. end log!"



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